Friday, July 15, 2011

A Real Lady Doesn't Wear a Bhrugwa

Driving around in Harare has become a tremendously interesting exercise for me. Because I drive an SUV with black tinted windows, people struggle to see the driver. This forces them – usually women, I should mention, because it rarely ever happens with men - to stare intently into my car, without realizing what they are doing, as I drive by. Obviously these are single women hoping they’ve caught the driver’s eye, whoever he may be. The trouble is that, even without seeing the driver, the majority (if not all) of these women should know simply by comparing themselves with my car that I am totally out of their league, so the intent owl-stare is totally misplaced. To clarify: if you are a woman and you exhibit any of the characteristics listed below, you have no chance of being anywhere near my league:

1. If you are walking around holding an empty. There’s nothing wrong with drinking soft drinks, of course. But if, after finishing your soft drink, you need to walk back to the store to collect your $0.20 bottle deposit or whatever, it’s probably safe to say I can’t take you clubbing at Whiskey Mist next time I’m in London. I cannot possibly foresee how you will dress, or behave. So, either buy your soft drink and let your gardener have the deposit, or better yet get a can and a straw.

2. If you are wearing a bhrugwa. Why would you do that in this day and age? Look, I understand that for some women, at certain times of the month, a full on zadza-dama panty is what they have to wear. I don’t support it - unless we’re boarding an Air Zimbabwe plane and might need to share a parachute in case of an emergency - but during that time of the month I can at least understand it. The women I don’t understand are those that wear these panties everyday. It’s 2011, honestly, get it together! I’m tempted to start a Thong Drive to collect thongs for those women who either can’t afford them or don’t know what they are. No matter how beautiful you are, a parachute panty is going to put me off 10 times out of 10. I know it boggles the mind that thongs have far less fabric than a full panty yet cost twice as much, but don’t question it – just buy them and wear them.

3. If you are over 18 and under 50 and use sanitary pads. I don’t care what anyone says, pads are fucking nasty. Use a tampon for chrissake. That way you won’t have to wear a bhrugwa, and we don’t have to visualize all that blood actually leaving your body.

4. If you drink beer, especially from a bottle. I know people have vastly differing opinions on this, but since this is my blog, only my opinion counts. If you’re in a club, be a lady and order a cider and drink it from a glass. Or order a cocktail. A wine even, sparkling or otherwise. Just don’t order a Lion Lager or Carling Black Label. Goodness, if I walk up to you, what on earth will I say? Beer was made by men for men, because it used to be the one thing we could safely enjoy without feminist bitches trying to copy, because quite honestly, it tastes nasty, and we didn’t enjoy it much in the early days either. But alas, it seems we can’t even enjoy shit we don’t enjoy alone and in peace anymore. You want the right to also not enjoy it. Now I have to wait for you to finish taking the swig from your bottle of Eagle Lager, watch you bypass your beer belly and thud the bottle back onto the table, and then burp out biological-weapon grade gases into my face before I can point out that that is the prettiest pair of shoes I’ve seen all night in this club, are they Prada? and by the way, my name’s Zak. Alternatively I’ll just go to the bathroom and lick the bristles of one of the toilet brushes for the rest of the night instead.

I could go on and on, but fuck it. It’s Friday, I’m ditching this shit. Please, stop staring into my car!

www.zim-madness.blogspot.com

zakeozim@gmail.com

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

If You Don't Know, Shut Up

I wish it was legal to shoot people. I know not everyone can be intelligent, but when it comes to idiocy some people go far beyond the call of duty. Now, I'm rather okay with those who wear their lack of intellect on their sleeve. It's easy to notice, you know what to expect every time they open their mouths, and you are ready for it. Forewarned, forearmed and all that.

The people that truly annoy me are the ones that conceal their simpleness. Like U.S. Navy Seals on a covert mission, their stupidity invades your Abbottabad of supreme wisdom and attacks when you least expect it, leaving you disoriented and trying to figure out where the last 30 minutes of your life just went.

Case in point: I have a friend who purports to be intelligent. However, in reality he knows pretty much close to nothing. The problem is, he always pretends he knows more than he does, which really wastes everyone's time when we eventually discover that that particular topic, or any topic on Earth for that matter, is not his forte at all.

Because I cannot download my corporate emails on my Blackberry in Zim (despite the bastards at Econet promising to install a Blackberry server since January), I recently resumed using my second line from Telecel on my Nokia E71 after reading in the paper that they - finally - were offering 3G connectivity on a test basis. Telecel are so slow - if cell phone network operators were piss Telecel would be those last few drops that you shake off your dick at the end of a long pee. Econet would probably be the odorless fart that comes out before the pee. And Net-one...well, Net-one just drips down your leg when you're already back at the bar.

But I digress.

So I tested my Telecel line and, slap me on the ass and call me Sarudzai, the 3G actually worked! My phone downloaded all my emails, but I now needed to know one thing: how do I change the settings to enable me to send emails? So, because my friend, let's call him Dave to protect his identity from the Idiot Police, conceals his stupidity like a g-string on an overweight chick, I mistakenly thought he would have the answer. Here's a transcript of our actual sms exchange, not edited whatsoever:

ME: Dude, wats e outgoing email server for telecel?

DAVE: U don't put in all that. You just put in the access point name, like where u put econet.net for your econet, and just enter "internet" for telecel.

ME: I hav to send email. I can surf fine.

DAVE: The outgoing server depends on your domain. Is it gmail?

ME: No. And no it doesn't, it depends on the ISP. On my laptop it's mx.263.co.zw coz my broadband provider is 263 Technologies. On econet it's smtp.ecoweb.co.zw or sumthn lyk that.

DAVE: Oh. Its for outlook?

ME: Well, for the built-in email client on my nokia. Same as outlook, u could say.

DAVE: Try imap.telecel.co.zw.

ME: K. Did you make that up?

DAVE: No. Lol. Email clients always use either pop3 or imap servers. Always.

DAVE: If its a pop3 server, incoming is pop.telecel.co.zw, outgoing smtp.telecel.co.zw

DAVE: Difference is that a pop one downloads and then deletes from the server. The imap doesn't.

ME: So... how come my 263 one is mx.263.co.zw?

DAVE: I have no idea mate.

ME: But you said Always. Why did you say that then?

DAVE: Go away.

ME: If u don't know, next time just say I don't know. You've wasted 15 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

DAVE: No. I've given you the valuable knowledge that what I thought worked doesn't. Now you'll never have to try it again. Knowledge.

ME: You've given me the valuable knowledge not to waste my time with idiots. Idiot.

DAVE: Go away.

ME: Okay.


Jesus. With friends like this, is it any wonder I'm always cranky? Please, it's really not too much to ask - if you don't know something, don't waste other people's time pretending you know. Shut the hell up and let us get on with our lives.

zakeozim@gmail.com
www.zim-madness.blogspot.com