Fanmail from the Illiterati

A few weeks after posting my article entitled "It's Not About the Business, It's About You, Idiot", I received this lovely comment from an anonymous but obviously adoring fan:

"Bollocks!!!! This post is seriously flawed & misleading. Sometimes it takes several failures for people to fugure out what they need to do to be successful in business. It is only those who get off their backsides and try something who will ever make or improve something. They might never make it but if they do, their actions will poitively impact not only themselves but countless other lives.

It's IDIOTS like the author of this post whose put - downs discourage people from venturing into the unknown. The likes of California & most of the USA, South Africa, Australia e.t.c are great because of people who saw others making money in particular ventures and sought to do the same. In the process of so doing, there imaged some top & shrewd industrial, banking & commercial giants. A market is created by the entry of many participants. Not all those participants will become rich but the wealth of the nation increases because of their joint actions.

VW Toureg??????? For crying out loud, couldn't you have found a better car to use as an example? Your choice of car just shows how low you really are.

ZAKEO ZAKEOS you are an IDIOT, A LOW - LIFER with such a narrow mind who will NEVER make it onto the Forbes list."

Wow. Serious stuff indeed! I always enjoy reading fanmail, especially when my readers set aside some of their precious time to carefully analyze each of the points I raise before posting comments. I am not at all averse to criticism, which is why both positive and negative comments to my posts remain on my blog. What some misguided readers don't realize is that I didn't start my blog to be agreeable. If I wanted to be agreeable I would sit silently in my office with the door closed, considering the fine paint-job on my wall, instead of switching on my laptop and having an opinion. Unless you're a delusional, bald-headed, drugged-up Nazi, you'll find it rather difficult to disagree with someone who hasn't said a word.

But open your mouth and you open yourself up to all types disagreement and criticism. You could say "The sky is blue", and some fuckwad will jump into your face and scream, "Blue?! Blue?! Are you blind? The sky is azure, idiot!"

So some people will disagree with me. I get it. I expect it. Hell, people even disagreed with Jesus, and he raised the frikkin' dead. It's not something you would think people should find disagreeable, but they did.

However, when I posted my first article I gave a few terms and conditions for people wishing to read my blog. They have evolved slightly, but the key points remain the same. If you wish to read my blog:

1. Don't.

It is written primarily for my amusement, and for like-minded individuals, of which there are very few in the world. My blog is not and has never been politically correct, nor is it sexually, racially, or religiously correct, and at times may not even be grammatically correct. If you like your shit correct, visit my other websites, www.nationalgeographic.com and www.christian.com.

2. Don't comment.

Because my shit smells like freshly-baked candy cakes with the pink icing on top, I do not accept negative comments from anyone whose shit smells any less delicious than mine. Period. If you are so intelligent and erudite go start your own blog and get off my dick. Otherwise stop blowing air out your ass about what I've written; I know what I'm talking about because I'm a genius, and handsomer than a photoshopped Brad Pitt-Denzel Washington hybrid sex machine to boot.

3. If you absolutely must comment...

Have the decency to read the entire article, digest the points I have made (though many times I admittedly have no point at all), and then give a considered and well thought-out comment. If you can't do this, do something even easier: shut the fuck up and close your browser.

For example, with regards to the article under discussion, some imbecile commented, "I'd venture to say you've never started a business..." Now tell me, what the hell does that have to do with anything? Does Bill Gates' computer lecturer also run a multi-billion dollar global business? Must every business college professor, just because he teaches people how to run a business, also himself have a booming business to make his teachings valid? Even if I didn't have a business, it doesn't automatically mean my ideas are wrong, especially since it's me, and no one exists that can prove that I've ever had a wrong idea in my life.

Stop annoying everyone else and read the damn article before commenting. My accomplishments, as extensive as they are, will not be catalogued here, for that is hardly the purpose of this blog. But in my article nowhere do I discourage people from starting businesses. I clearly state that even if you can't have an original business idea and want to copy, at least find a business that you can be passionate about, and that you'd be willing to stick with through lean times until it turns the corner. No matter how romantically you want to wax about it, building a successful business is about more than just having a dream. Its also about focus and discipline, hard work and passion. I'd love for Anonymous to point out to me anyone on the Forbes Rich List who didn't have these things, and whose business did not take at least a decade to build.

I also did not say people shouldn't try different ideas. I complained about people wading into already saturated markets, just because they heard such and such is making money, without a clue how that person runs their business profitably, and without the same level of passion for that type of business as that person has. I mention car dealerships; there are streets in Harare on which you will see six car dealerships on a 1km stretch of road, all selling the same entry level Japanese cars, with the same colors and the same prices. And then 100m on you see another guy spreading 3/4 stones and erecting shades to construct the 7th car dealership, to sell the exact same type of cars. This makes no business sense. What's his unique selling proposition: Will he offer better pricing? No. A different range of cars? No. A 30 day money back guarantee? Hell no. Free 2 day test drives? You must be kidding. Extended financing? Please. He has no clue what those things are, but he just wants a car dealership because "ine mari".

It's a waste of his time and energy. He will without fail lose money. But let's not "discourage him from venturing into the unknown", shall we? Let's let Tonderai follow his dream, because the sky is the limit and his "actions will poitively (??) impact not only himself but countless other lives." And from him will "image some top & shrewd commercial giant."

Nice.

I must also mention at this juncture that if anyone is discouraged from "venturing into the unknown" by the "put-downs" in my article, then I've done them an enormous favor. They were going to fail spectacularly anyway, and I deserve a medal for saving their bank a lot of money and them a lifetime of headaches, ulcers and high blood pressure. Successful businesses are built by people who have grit and the strength of conviction to follow through with their ideas despite whatever obstacles may litter their path. If you can be discouraged from pursuing your business ideas by a tiny blog written by an anonymous author on the World Wide Web, then you're a born loser and are better off focusing on honing your skills as a waitress at the
Cheesecake Factory forever.

Lastly, it's not my fault I don't watch MTV Cribs, or BBC's Top Gear, or read GQ Cars. I really thought the VW Toureg was the fanciest, most expensive car in the world. Obviously I'm mistaken. Can someone please tell me what better car exists in the world, so that next time I write about a bank teller's aspirations for two years in business I can use that car instead. That will be much more realistic, for a bank teller to have imagined buying a car just like Jay-Z's in two years rather than one his old classmate is now driving. How idiotic of me.

Intelligent people will more carefully consider their next business ventures because of this blog post, they will take from here what makes sense for them and filter the rest, and give themselves a better chance of success. The failures will say, "That guy is a low-life and an idiot, fuck him and his discouraging ideas, I will follow my dreams, all of them together, at once, and in 1 year I will be a billionaire and driving a Bugatti Veyron."

To both groups I say, "Good luck."

zakeozim@gmail.com

www.zim-madness.blogspot.com

Why the "Buy Zimbabwe" campaign is Bullshit

So I'm reading an article in this little paper called Business Connect about this "Buy Zimbabwe" campaign that was recently launched in the capital. I had heard about this campaign and saw several other articles about it in other papers, but I did my best to ignore it, on account of my blood pressure. Then the bastards behind it went on to plan a whole seminar about it, and take time out of their busy schedules to meet and discuss how to get consumers to start buying more local products, and how best to lobby government to raise duties and limit importation of finished goods. A whole businessman by the name of Supa Mandiwanzira actually stood up to say, "...Government must put legislation in place that will force all supermarkets to put 50% of local goods on shelves at any given time." I now feel compelled to comment.

With all the common sense quite evidently seeping through my pores and making people around me smarter just by association, it amazes me that some people still choose to have seminars and such without consulting me first. Because if these learned gentlemen had taken 2 minutes to brief me that they are concerned about Zimbabweans not buying enough local products, I would have given them one devilishly simple but amazingly effective strategy:

Stop making shit.

There is no amount of campaigning that can persuade me to eat a turd. There is no legislation anyone can dream up that can force me to pay for a steaming plate of dog shit. And, unfortunately, dog shit is exactly what the majority of Zimbabwean companies are serving up and expecting us not only to buy, but to pay MORE for than the imported substitute on the basis of being patriotic. Let's take an in-depth look at some of the vaunted local products that sell-out unpatriotic Zimbos like me are shunning:

Charhon's Loose Biscuits: Affectionately known as "ma-doggie", these treats are a delight - if you have polycrystalline diamond cutters for teeth. Otherwise your teeth will disintegrate from just looking at a packet of these biscuits for too long. These are cookies for real men. I can't imagine why anyone would opt for imported Bakers Strawberry Whirls instead - unless they're gay. I think our President has gone to great lengths, on numerous occasions, to enunciate our national position on that particular group of people. If locals, particularly Zimbabwean men, continue to insist on eating soft yummy cookies that don't need a jackhammer to break, a law to ban them might well become necessary, if for no other reason than to stop us becoming pansies. These biscuits have remained the same for decades, while people's tastes have changed. Still, the dipshits at Charhon's insist on shoving them down our throats. Even when, at one time, Zimbabweans became so desperate for an alternative that they bought truckloads of dollar-for-two lemon creams from across the border, Charhon's did not budge from their strategy. Never mind that these dollar-for-two lemon creams weighed about 0.02 micrograms each and evaporated at the sight of your tongue. We just couldn't take ma-doggie anymore!

Willard's Corn Flakes: Willard's Corn Flakes have a unique ability that is as startling as it is odd - they turn soggy the second you say the word "milk" in their presence. By the time you pour the milk in, they're already porridge. How great is that?! Fuck Kellogg's - who wants corn flakes that stay crunchy and delicious for so long anyway? Unless you're a retard and need more than 2 minutes to finish a bowl of cereal. Lightbulb! Let's legislate to send all the Kellogg's Corn Flakes to hospitals for the mentally challenged! Even though they're 10c cheaper than the local version, they must be removed from the shelves before they kill the local corn flake industry, or the retards starve, whichever might come soonest. Seriously, Willard, wherever you are, do us all a favor and suffocate yourself with a fucking cereal bag.

Gloria Self-Raising Flour: The quality of this flour is as inconsistent as a woman on...well as a woman in general. It started out that you never knew how your mafet-kook (yes I know that's not the spelling, leave me alone) would come out with this flour. Now if you bake with it, you are almost guaranteed a disaster. Unless you tie the bag with a long string and hoist it up to your roof, it simply DOES NOT RISE. Sort of defeats the purpose of calling it "self-raising" - it's about as self-raising as my dick if I sat watching Thabo Mbeki skinny-dipping on a frigid winter night in Cape Town. But I suppose that's not important. The important thing is to buy Zimbabwean, and forget about imported Snowflake Self-Raising Flour which actually rises.

Fresh Produce: Mr. Mandiwanzira is quoted as saying: "It's sad that we are importing carrots and tomatoes from South Africa when local farmers are throwing away their tomatoes that would have rotten (sic) because they don't have markets." Really? Who's throwing away their tomatoes because of lack of a local market? Tomatoes?? Perhaps he was exaggerating for effect, but tomatoes are one product I know the masses in Zimbabwe are willing to buy locally. Potatoes, on the other hand, are a different story. Whereas South African potatoes come washed and look presentable, local potatoes come with clumps of red soil attached. These clumps of soil are genetically engineered to remain attached to the potato no matter what you do, until you get home and soak them for at least 30 minutes. The problem is when the store assistant weighs my potatoes at the supermarket, I want 10kg of potato only, not 8.5kg of potato and 1.5kg of soil. We all know the soil is ours - ivhu nderedu - and we will never pay for it.

Various local sweets: Crystal mints have had the same boring taste and the same packaging since I was in Grade 2. Crystal toffees still have that amazing ability to adhere to your back tooth the second you pop one into your mouth, and then slowly dissolve and leave a rather disconcerting, oily, thin film on the roof of your mouth. Despite the advancements in chewing gum technology, Dandy is still churning out the same flavors in the same packaging they had 25 years ago. Dandy bubblegum loses its taste as soon as you unwrap it, still. After approximately 1.5 seconds of chewing, the taste has disappeared like an MDC bandana at a ZANU-PF rally. Freddo chocolate is still the same Freddo chocolate I used to buy at the tuckshop in primary school, with the same stupid white and green packaging with the same stupid jokes, like "Why did Freddo cross the road?" "Because he hopped the Buy Zim campaign would get people to eat him again even though he tastes like ass." Or something like that. Should I really forego my velvety Cadbury's Chocolate Eclairs for hard-as-rock Crystal Toffees? Or forget about smooth Endearmints in favor of Crystal mints, even though they shred the roof of my mouth and leave a faintly bloody taste on my tongue? No sir, I will not.

Furniture: Entering a local furniture shop such as Pelhams, TV Sales & Hire, Banet and Harris etc. is like walking into The Land That Time Forgot. They still have the same design of lounge suites that our mothers bought before we were born. Yet here we are, the new consumer, this generation of MTV Cribs and Forbes Top 20 Celebrity Mansions on E! We don't want leather couches with polished wood in the armrests. We don't want couches that have buttons. We don't want bedroom suites that have so much wood they'd be deemed a fire hazard in any other country. We don't want velvet or floral material on our lounge suites. No, damn it. We want corner couches in white leather. We want shaggy rugs that feel like heaven under our feet. We want bedroom suites that are sexy, not just functional. As long as we don't have these made in Zimbabwe, don't expect us to "buy Zimbabwe."

Clothing: Edgars and Truworths have been flighting lots of press ads recently, showcasing their new range of work and casual wear. Trouble is, none of their designers have ever heard of Cosmo, or GQ, or any fashion magazine that exists in the world, apparently. Their clothes are appealing only to a very Christian receptionist from Budiriro going to an interview at a briefcase company which recently expanded out of the briefcase and into a cubicle on the 2nd floor of a non-descript building just opposite pa Charge Office. You can get more fashionable gear at Mr. Price in Musina for a fraction of the cost, true story. Would it really kill these idiots to glance at a style magazine now and again?

Cordials: Otherwise generically known as Mazoe, because that's what us Zimbos do. All toothpaste is Colgate, and any soft drink is Kokora. Only at a Zim restaurant can you say to the waitress "I'll have a Coke please", and she smiles sweetly and says: "Ok, what kind?" And then you...without a moment's pause, you say, "Cherry Plum". That will never happen in Indianapolis or Birmingham. Anyway, I digress. Whilst Mazoe itself is an excellent brand, all other locally produced brands in that category should be ashamed of themselves for even claiming to be brands. I bought a 2L bottle of Squish Squash Cream Soda the other day. I wouldn't have, if I'd known the mixing ratio is 1 part water to 5 parts juice. My first glass was unbelievably watery after mixing it using the universally accepted ratio of 1 part juice to 4 parts water. Mr. Mandiwanzira sir, do you know how frustrating it is to add juice, sip to taste, add juice, sip, add juice, sip, and on and on for 20 minutes before getting the taste of your juice right?! For my second glass I simply resorted to using a shot glass to measure one shot of water, then filled up the glass with juice. You don't dare put ice in a glass of Squish Squash - may as well drink a glass of colored water. Tacoola, Quench, Citrade - all the shit's the same. Is it any wonder I now choose to stick to Ceres or Liqui-Fruit when I can't get Mazoe?

Eversharp pens: Before I rant about Eversharp pens, I must give credit where it's due. Despite what I'm about to say about them, the honest truth is that ever since I was allowed to use a pen in school, I have been guaranteed that no matter where an Eversharp pen has been, when I needed to write, the thing writes! It generally doesn't need persuading, it doesn't think twice, it doesn't stutter, it just writes. Brilliant! But my God, its been 50 years and we still have the same gold-tipped refill, the same grey hexagonal barrel, capped by the same ridiculous blue, red or black plastic cap. Not a single brain cell has been expended in trying to innovate this pen, for over 50 years! Meanwhile, Bic now has gel pens, rollerball pens, glitter gel pens, 0.5mm pens, 0.7mm pens, purple, pink and gold pens...the list is endless! So while my staff are happy to use an Eversharp pen to write notes in a staff meeting, my 14 year old niece would slit her wrists if she were forced to use one at school. Surely it wouldn't kill the geniuses at Eversharp Pvt. Ltd. to sit down and even copy the innovations of 10 years ago. That would be a giant leap forward compared to where they are now.

I could go on and on, but this is really not a profitable endeavor for me, since none of you bastards donate money to my blog. I think my point is clear. If "Buy Zimbabwe" means the same as "Buy Shit", then the Zim manufacturers can go to Hell. We are not prepared to sacrifice our hard-earned cash and our taste-buds on this garbage.

Before this campaign gains steam, I think we as consumers should start our own. We can aim it at the manufacturers, and call it the "Stop Making Shit Campaign". We can have our own seminar and media coverage, and I can be the spokesman. We can even have a logo or badge of some sort, which can be put on products we certify worthwhile. Instead of saying "Proudly Zimbabwean", it can say "Guaranteed: Not Shit" or something to that effect. If anyone can design such a logo please let me know. I won't pay you, but you'll feel good for bringing down a fellow Zimbabwean's blood pressure.

zakeozim@gmail.com

www.zim-madness.blogspot.com

It's not about the business, it's about you, idiot

I'm so tired of meeting failures. Zim must be where colossal failures are created and then deployed to other parts of the world to breed. Yes, I know, running a business in this country is terribly difficult. The banks are not lending, the potential market generally has very little income (none of which is disposable), and if you sell on credit you will soon learn that everydamnbody in this country is a remorseless defaulter. But is that the main reason why the 5 businesses you tried to run last year all failed? I submit that it is not. Further, I would like to submit two key points which, in my estimation, explain your financial mediocrity:

1. You are an idiot.

2. You are an idiot.

Why do we Zimbabweans think that just because someone else is minting money in a certain type of business, we should get into that business too? Does it follow that we too will mint money in that business? Here's an idea: stop being a jack-ass that mimics everybody else's ideas and do your own shit.

As an example, at the height of the fuel crisis, how many people did you know who suddenly jumped on the bandwagon and were importing fuel and opening gas stations? Suddenly, no longer did you go to a BP or a Shell for gas - you went to Praise Petroleum, or Ekhaya Petroleum, or Country Petroleum, or Essox Petroleum. Essox Petroleum? Who the hell are you? As it turns out, nobody. You're a guy who was a bank teller the previous year and suddenly decided to quit your job and jump into fuel because you heard Kuda of Sakunda Petroleum had bought a VW Toureg. And that just ate you up, because Kuda was your junior at St. Ignatius. Kuda, of all people! He played Thirds rugby for heaven's sake, and was in the C stream, and when they discussed the list of potential prefects for his year he was somewhere between "Never" and "Who?" Meanwhile, you were almost made deputy headboy (if it wasn't for that bitch bastard Mr. Goredema, fuck him), played First Team volleyball, and on top of all that, captained the chess team superbly in your Upper 6 year.

So how dare Kuda your junior in high school drive around in a VW Toureg and employ 150 people, while you slave away in a cubicle at Trust Bank with your box Nissan parked outside, braaing cockroaches trapped in the crevices of its cracked dashboard? Surely, if Kuda could do it, so could you. So with two other equally incensed and clueless friends, you started Essox Petroleum. For what reason? "Bhikozi fuel ine mari mdhara." Really? "Defaz! Iwe, anaKuda vakuto dhraivha ma Toureg shamwari, ka Kuda kaye kaye sha. Ne fuel dhedhi!"

Hmm, making money from distributing fuel. Not a bad idea. Except for one thing: none of you morons knew anything about the complexities of running a sustainable service station. How did you think your experience in correctly aligning and clipping together bank notes would serve you in the fuel industry? How did you imagine your supreme deftness in operating a money-counting machine would help you make millions selling bulk fuel to the mining sector? Did you burn with a passion for excelling in the energy sector? Did you wake up every morning and check Bloomberg for developments in the oil industry, and calculate what impact those international developments would have on your business, and act appropriately? The answer is no, because you have the intelligence of a comatose slug, and therefore no clue what it takes to build an enduring business.

Despite my demonstrable and extensive knowledge of everything on the face of this earth, some people still opt to not heed my advice. Two years down the line, Essox Petroleum was a distant memory in the minds of the 30 or so customers who regularly patronized it, stopping their run-down tin-can cars to put $5 of petrol in the tank. $5? What are you driving? A lawnmower? (As an aside, and I have said this before, if you can only afford to put $5 of petrol in your car at a time you should seriously consider the merits of suicide. Not all suicide is a bad idea, some of it benefits the community at largetremendously, because lets face it, the earth can only accommodate a certain number of people, and we all we would be better served by keeping space for only productive people. By putting only $5 of petrol in your car at any time, you, my brother, make manifest that you do not fall anywhere near the group of people who can be defined as "productive".)

But I digress, My point is, a year later Mr. Essox was buying diamonds from Mutare and selling them to Libyans at the Holiday Inn. A year after that he was bringing in printer cartridges from Malaysia. This year he is running a car dealership, while working hard to get contacts who can help him buy mining claims, while also investigating the possibility of buying cross-border trucks, and, possibly, importing car parts from China.

For Pete's sake, how many people own car dealerships in Harare? There are more car dealerships in this city than supermarkets. How many women are going to China to buy "original" designer label clothes for re-sale? Who do ya'll plan to sell to, when all of you are going there? How many people own kombis, and now taxis? There are more commuter omnibuses and taxis in Harare than there are commuters in the entire country. And in the midst of all this, I challenge you to find an establishment that sells a full, comprehensive range of bakery ingredients for you to bake your son a lovely, unique birthday cake. Or one that rents out a large selection of good quality men's suits and tuxedos for weddings. Or a cocktail lounge that is actually a lounge, not a bhawa, and actually sells actually really cocktails. Why are we all trying to do the SAME DAMN THING?

Do something different. If you can't do something different, heed this advice: it's not all about the business. It's about the man. There are indeed people who have made millions in fuel. But there are also people who have been equally successful in marketing computer consumables, in selling used and brand new cars, in mining. You can make money doing just about anything. But you need to first have a little bit of passion in the business you're trying to develop, and secondly you need to have the patience and the discipline to stick with the damn thing until it turns the corner. If u flit from one business idea to the next like a leaf blowing in the wind, the ball and chain of failure will remain firmly strapped to your ankle until you die a miserable death. And we shall not cry. We shall drive to your funeral in our VW Touregs and celebrate the end of your sad, pointless, wretched excuse of a life.

The moral of the story is: do one thing, and do it well. Do it consistently. Do it for long enough. And you will find success. And I will find peace, because you will no longer keep taking the elevator to my office to make yet another presentation of a hare-brained business concept that you want me to invest me for 50% equity. Because according to my calculations, no matter what currency you're using, 50% of 0 is 0. I do not want to invest in your stupid ideas, unless you one day have an idea to leave me alone, forever. I will invest at least $50 in that one.

zakeozim@gmail.com

Rihanna Has the Fashion Sense of an Epileptic Chameleon

So I'm wondering, who exactly was it on Rihanna's wardrobe team who first thought "Hmm, for 2010 what if we go for a 'demon spawn of Jo-Jo the Clown and Elizabeth Taylor' look"? Red hair, crimson lipstick, blue eye shadow, and technicolor-dream booty-shorts. Seriously? Don't get me wrong, I think it's very attractive, for people between the ages of 3 and 7. Just didn't appreciate my 4 year-old niece walking around singing "Come on rude boy boy can you get it up, come on rude boy boy is you big enough..." I had to wash her mouth out with a Dettol Handwash and Satiskin Bubble Bath mixture. For this reason Rihanna has been added to my already extensive shit list. And for the teenagers in my sphere of concern, please don't copy Rihanna's style, it's garbage. Unless you want to get married to Ajigijah the Clown from Avondale shopping center (and surrounding environs). Go buy yourself a damn identity before buying shit you see on TV.

Then again. Maybe it's just me.

Your 2010 Resolutions, Unveiled

Throw away any 2010 resolutions you may have made already. They are useless. Besides the fact that you will have forgotten you wrote them by February, whatever items you wrote are of no consequence to the rest of us who have to put up with you for another year.

Because I know everything, I have taken the liberty of listing a few New Year's resolutions the rest of your friends and family and significant others wish you would implement. They might not say so, but they emailed me and asked me to compile this list for them, to you. Yes, even you.

1. Take it easy with the Facebook

Scientists are recommending this radical new thing that everyone should get in 2010. It's called "A Life" (not sure if I got the spelling right) and apparently it's fantastic. Scientists are in possession of data that they claim clearly proves that no one whatsoever cares "what you're doing right now". They also did an experiment and found out that if I had a turd and cut it in half, I wouldn't give you even the smaller half in exchange for knowing "What's on your mind?" Turns out, WE SIMPLY DON'T CARE what's on your minuscule mind. So what you got so drunk last night you can barely stay awake at work this morning? Will knowing that make my shit smell sweeter? So what your son/daughter/puppy took its first steps? Shall we give him/her a medal then? About damn time anyway, we were secretly beginning to think he/she was retarded. And do we really have to know that "you've gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a good, good night..."? No, we don't. Get an original thought before sharing it.

Don't get me wrong, Facebook is great for keeping in touch. But some of us are abusing it. In 2010, please, get a life. Phone your loved one and have a conversation that doesn't involve clicking "send" at the end of each sentence. De-friend a few hundred people on your profile. Start with the ones you don't remember ever meeting, then move on to the ones who post stupid song lyrics as status updates (unless they are really actually a she-wolf in the closet and need to be let out so they can breathe, which is unlikely in Zimbabwe since we don't have wolves in this part of the world). End off with the ones you wouldn't bother to take out for a drink if you heard they were in your town. No matter how popular you think you are, unless you made an album that sold 500,000 copies, or won an Oscar in 2009, you're lying to yourself - you do not have 500 friends.

Delete the "We're Related" application. If you need an Internet application to remind you who your relatives are, you're a douche bag and don't deserve to have any relatives.

Oh, and last year I swear I really meant to come to your "Obsessions! Friday Night White Party!" at Visions Night Club, except I couldn't find a gas station with enough petrol to fill me up for the trip from Harare to Sydney, Australia. It must have been amazing; I saw 658 people from across the globe confirmed they were ATTENDING, with another 1158 MAYBE's. God only knows what the 3592 idiots who said NOT ATTENDING were thinking. Unfortunately in 2010 I'll be teaching a course on "How Not to be a Stupid Asshole on Facebook" so I doubt I'll have time to make it to any parties outside of the Southern Hemisphere. So don't worry about inviting me, if you don't attend my course let's catch up in 2011.

Also, I think we all know by now that it's always darkest before dawn, which is the time when a strong man stands up for himself and a stronger man stands up for others, and if you dream it, you can achieve it because the sky is the limit. We get it. You're positive. Your every status update is a quote by everyone from Gandhi to Jesus. Well done for being able to copy, it's a great talent, but in 2010, give it a break already.

2. Stop Tweeting

I fart in more than 140 characters. Twitter is a mindless invention, which encourages uninteresting people to share their brain-farts with us every 30 seconds. Keep that crap to yourself.

3. Be a Better Wife/Girlfriend

Here are 3 simple steps to being a better wife/girlfriend:

1. Shut up. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, not his ears. Hard as it may be for you, try not to unpackage every single little emotion you have, inspect it, share it, cry over it, debate it... When you find life is getting you down, surprise your husband/boyfriend with a beer/whiskey, serve it to him with some Colcom country-style boerewors or biltong, and feel your burden lift just by watching the smile spread across his face. Isn't he a handsome bastard? Of course he is, and you are a lucky woman to have him. If life is getting you down because you just found out he's sleeping with 18 other women, say a prayer and thank God for blessing you with a man in possession of such astounding sexual stamina.

2. Give more oral sex. He may or may not say it to you, but he wants more of it. Every day. Twice a day if possible. Ladies, you'll thank me later when you realize something - this is the easiest way to get more of whatever it is you want from him. Good sex will rent you an apartment. Good head will buy you a house. So just do it, it'll only take a minute. If it all sounds like too much work for you, get your friend/sister/workmate to help. After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

3. Take a cooking class. Your cooking in 2009 would have triggered a terror alert if your house was hooked up to the system. This is why he kept going to Mereki to eat sadza nemabhonzo cooked in the open next to a landfill by fat, unwashed ghetto women. Learn how to cook. Balance the gourmet with the traditional. Just because he did his Masters at Leeds University, doesn't mean he no longer appreciates a good serving of sadza neguru nematumbu.

4. Be a Better Husband/Boyfriend

Who am I kidding? If you're a guy, I instinctively know you were great in 2009, and simply by being a year older you're going to be even better in 2010. Well played, man.

5. Watch SKY/CNN/eNEWS etc

Conversations with cavemen are not all that interesting. You don't have to be a glutton for news, but please, resolve to watch just ONE news bulletin a week so you're not so much of an idiot when we talk to you.

6. Stop Badmouthing Your Country to Foreigners

When is the last time you heard a Brit say: "You know, England is headed nowhere. What a shit country this is, if I had the money I would move to Uzbekistan coz this country is going down the toilet"?

Are you tired of Americans abroad saying," I'll never go back to the States, dude, hell naw. I mean, what for, there's a recession, executives are stealing money, fuck that, I'm gon' stay right here in Abuja."

Please, stop being an ass about your country. Yes, we have problems, but if all the brains that could help solve our problems stay away until "things get better", how will they ever get better?

Let's bitch to each other, but not to outsiders. And let's bitch with a view to improving things.

Coz no matter how much your punk-ass settles in wherever you are or how realistic your accent sounds, you will always be just that. A punk-ass foreigner, yeah?

7. Be less racist, nigger

Ask yourself this: every time you get bad service in a restaurant, is it really "jus coz u black?"

Have you never seen white people complaining of bad service, from both white and black employees? I have. So, could it simply be that you're getting bad service because that employee is having a bad day or just sucks at their job?

We want white people to be more color-blind, but how can they do that if all we ever see is color? Get over yourself. Businesses should treat you well because you're a customer, but white people don't have to roll out the red carpet for you just because you're black.

And if you're black, have some damn pride in 2010. Stop saying things like, "I just knew that business wasn't gonna last when I heard Pasipanodya took over. Ah, typical of us mabhoyi."

Stop that shit, people. When Hitler slaughtered the Jews in Germany, did you hear white people walking around declaring "I just knew one of us motherfuckers was gon' do some shit like that. Typical of us Caucasians, we're fucking racists, man."?

8. Join a gym/Go to gym

You really have to. You're not "thick". You're not "chubby-cute". You're not "more cushion for the pushing". Dude, it's a beer belly. Sweetheart, looking at a silhouette of your side profile, I can only tell which is your ass and which is your stomach by looking at which one is higher from the ground - and sometimes even that's a close call. You're fat. If you're comfortable with yourself, great. But if not, don't make excuses. Join a gym today, just do it. We can't spend another year looking at that. Oh, and try to eat a little less, please.

I could go on and on. Start with these 8 resolutions. We will review your progress quarterly, publicly.

I wish you the best this year. I hope all your dreams come true.

I hope you shall know the truth and that that truth will set you free to do something with your pathetic life. I hope you get off your ass and make a difference to your own damn life instead of complaining about how your husband/mother/boss/president is making you miserable.

I hope a thunderstorm of blessings follows you throughout the year, and that lightning bolts of goodwill strike more than once in the same place in your life. I wish you good health and long life as long as you are not oppressing others.

May success follow you like flies after you've stepped in a street kid’s pile of shit walking through down-town Harare.

And as you think of the year that lies ahead, remember one thing: you were here exactly 365 days ago. You didn't matter then. You probably matter less now. So don't stress yourself - have fun.

Here's to 2010!

zakeozim@gmail.com

www.zim-madness.blogspot.com