Throw away any 2010 resolutions you may have made already. They are useless. Besides the fact that you will have forgotten you wrote them by February, whatever items you wrote are of no consequence to the rest of us who have to put up with you for another year.
Because I know everything, I have taken the liberty of listing a few New Year's resolutions the rest of your friends and family and significant others wish you would implement. They might not say so, but they emailed me and asked me to compile this list for them, to you. Yes, even you.
1. Take it easy with the Facebook
Scientists are recommending this radical new thing that everyone should get in 2010. It's called "A Life" (not sure if I got the spelling right) and apparently it's fantastic. Scientists are in possession of data that they claim clearly proves that no one whatsoever cares "what you're doing right now". They also did an experiment and found out that if I had a turd and cut it in half, I wouldn't give you even the smaller half in exchange for knowing "What's on your mind?" Turns out, WE SIMPLY DON'T CARE what's on your minuscule mind. So what you got so drunk last night you can barely stay awake at work this morning? Will knowing that make my shit smell sweeter? So what your son/daughter/puppy took its first steps? Shall we give him/her a medal then? About damn time anyway, we were secretly beginning to think he/she was retarded. And do we really have to know that "you've gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a good, good night..."? No, we don't. Get an original thought before sharing it.
Don't get me wrong, Facebook is great for keeping in touch. But some of us are abusing it. In 2010, please, get a life. Phone your loved one and have a conversation that doesn't involve clicking "send" at the end of each sentence. De-friend a few hundred people on your profile. Start with the ones you don't remember ever meeting, then move on to the ones who post stupid song lyrics as status updates (unless they are really actually a she-wolf in the closet and need to be let out so they can breathe, which is unlikely in Zimbabwe since we don't have wolves in this part of the world). End off with the ones you wouldn't bother to take out for a drink if you heard they were in your town. No matter how popular you think you are, unless you made an album that sold 500,000 copies, or won an Oscar in 2009, you're lying to yourself - you do not have 500 friends.
Delete the "We're Related" application. If you need an Internet application to remind you who your relatives are, you're a douche bag and don't deserve to have any relatives.
Oh, and last year I swear I really meant to come to your "Obsessions! Friday Night White Party!" at Visions Night Club, except I couldn't find a gas station with enough petrol to fill me up for the trip from Harare to Sydney, Australia. It must have been amazing; I saw 658 people from across the globe confirmed they were ATTENDING, with another 1158 MAYBE's. God only knows what the 3592 idiots who said NOT ATTENDING were thinking. Unfortunately in 2010 I'll be teaching a course on "How Not to be a Stupid Asshole on Facebook" so I doubt I'll have time to make it to any parties outside of the Southern Hemisphere. So don't worry about inviting me, if you don't attend my course let's catch up in 2011.
Also, I think we all know by now that it's always darkest before dawn, which is the time when a strong man stands up for himself and a stronger man stands up for others, and if you dream it, you can achieve it because the sky is the limit. We get it. You're positive. Your every status update is a quote by everyone from Gandhi to Jesus. Well done for being able to copy, it's a great talent, but in 2010, give it a break already.
2. Stop Tweeting
I fart in more than 140 characters. Twitter is a mindless invention, which encourages uninteresting people to share their brain-farts with us every 30 seconds. Keep that crap to yourself.
3. Be a Better Wife/Girlfriend
Here are 3 simple steps to being a better wife/girlfriend:
1. Shut up. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, not his ears. Hard as it may be for you, try not to unpackage every single little emotion you have, inspect it, share it, cry over it, debate it... When you find life is getting you down, surprise your husband/boyfriend with a beer/whiskey, serve it to him with some Colcom country-style boerewors or biltong, and feel your burden lift just by watching the smile spread across his face. Isn't he a handsome bastard? Of course he is, and you are a lucky woman to have him. If life is getting you down because you just found out he's sleeping with 18 other women, say a prayer and thank God for blessing you with a man in possession of such astounding sexual stamina.
2. Give more oral sex. He may or may not say it to you, but he wants more of it. Every day. Twice a day if possible. Ladies, you'll thank me later when you realize something - this is the easiest way to get more of whatever it is you want from him. Good sex will rent you an apartment. Good head will buy you a house. So just do it, it'll only take a minute. If it all sounds like too much work for you, get your friend/sister/workmate to help. After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.
3. Take a cooking class. Your cooking in 2009 would have triggered a terror alert if your house was hooked up to the system. This is why he kept going to Mereki to eat sadza nemabhonzo cooked in the open next to a landfill by fat, unwashed ghetto women. Learn how to cook. Balance the gourmet with the traditional. Just because he did his Masters at Leeds University, doesn't mean he no longer appreciates a good serving of sadza neguru nematumbu.
4. Be a Better Husband/Boyfriend
Who am I kidding? If you're a guy, I instinctively know you were great in 2009, and simply by being a year older you're going to be even better in 2010. Well played, man.
5. Watch SKY/CNN/eNEWS etc
Conversations with cavemen are not all that interesting. You don't have to be a glutton for news, but please, resolve to watch just ONE news bulletin a week so you're not so much of an idiot when we talk to you.
6. Stop Badmouthing Your Country to Foreigners
When is the last time you heard a Brit say: "You know, England is headed nowhere. What a shit country this is, if I had the money I would move to Uzbekistan coz this country is going down the toilet"?
Are you tired of Americans abroad saying," I'll never go back to the States, dude, hell naw. I mean, what for, there's a recession, executives are stealing money, fuck that, I'm gon' stay right here in Abuja."
Please, stop being an ass about your country. Yes, we have problems, but if all the brains that could help solve our problems stay away until "things get better", how will they ever get better?
Let's bitch to each other, but not to outsiders. And let's bitch with a view to improving things.
Coz no matter how much your punk-ass settles in wherever you are or how realistic your accent sounds, you will always be just that. A punk-ass foreigner, yeah?
7. Be less racist, nigger
Ask yourself this: every time you get bad service in a restaurant, is it really "jus coz u black?"
Have you never seen white people complaining of bad service, from both white and black employees? I have. So, could it simply be that you're getting bad service because that employee is having a bad day or just sucks at their job?
We want white people to be more color-blind, but how can they do that if all we ever see is color? Get over yourself. Businesses should treat you well because you're a customer, but white people don't have to roll out the red carpet for you just because you're black.
And if you're black, have some damn pride in 2010. Stop saying things like, "I just knew that business wasn't gonna last when I heard Pasipanodya took over. Ah, typical of us mabhoyi."
Stop that shit, people. When Hitler slaughtered the Jews in Germany, did you hear white people walking around declaring "I just knew one of us motherfuckers was gon' do some shit like that. Typical of us Caucasians, we're fucking racists, man."?
8. Join a gym/Go to gym
You really have to. You're not "thick". You're not "chubby-cute". You're not "more cushion for the pushing". Dude, it's a beer belly. Sweetheart, looking at a silhouette of your side profile, I can only tell which is your ass and which is your stomach by looking at which one is higher from the ground - and sometimes even that's a close call. You're fat. If you're comfortable with yourself, great. But if not, don't make excuses. Join a gym today, just do it. We can't spend another year looking at that. Oh, and try to eat a little less, please.
I could go on and on. Start with these 8 resolutions. We will review your progress quarterly, publicly.
I wish you the best this year. I hope all your dreams come true.
I hope you shall know the truth and that that truth will set you free to do something with your pathetic life. I hope you get off your ass and make a difference to your own damn life instead of complaining about how your husband/mother/boss/president is making you miserable.
I hope a thunderstorm of blessings follows you throughout the year, and that lightning bolts of goodwill strike more than once in the same place in your life. I wish you good health and long life as long as you are not oppressing others.
May success follow you like flies after you've stepped in a street kid’s pile of shit walking through down-town Harare.
And as you think of the year that lies ahead, remember one thing: you were here exactly 365 days ago. You didn't matter then. You probably matter less now. So don't stress yourself - have fun.
Here's to 2010!
zakeozim@gmail.com
www.zim-madness.blogspot.com
