Hands up if you agree that The Herald should be disbanded

So I’m sitting in my office the other day reading and digesting the many highly informative, not to mention insightful articles contained in our most widely-read daily newspaper The Herald. I thoroughly enjoy The Herald, and I can see why it’s Harare’s most widely-read daily, notwithstanding the fact that it’s Harare’s only daily. As I’m finishing off an article about Gideon Gono’s U-turn on the possibility of us adopting the South African Rand as our official currency, my friend rang me on my mobile. I said to him “Have you read the paper? Can you believe we may soon be using the Rand officially? Man, what happened to protecting our sovre-ne-ty?”
Yes, I said it just as I’ve spelt it. As soon as I uttered the word I almost punched myself in the mouth. What has this country done to me, I am an American-educated genius, for Pete’s sake. When I thought about it a little more, I decided to write a letter to Parliament requesting that they ban ZTV and all newspapers in the Zimpapers stable for the irreparable damage they have done to our English. When you hear the word “sovereignty” pronounced “sovre-ne-ty” on the news every day, you end up saying it, too. Bad English is like yawning, it’s annoyingly contagious.
As I started to bash out my letter on my PC I realized that while they’re at it Parliament should probably pass legislation to criminalize certain uniquely Zimbabwean phrases, otherwise they will never die and will haunt us and our children’s children long after George Charamba and his journalistic junta are dead. If I hear any of the phrases listed below again I’m going to slit open my stomach, rip out my liver and drink my own bile. Then I’ll puke myself to death.
On thee ground: as in, “Members of Parliament are encouraged to regularly visit their constituencies to assess the situation on thee ground…” Every time I hear this phrase I could punch a hole through my TV. This phrase is a favourite of underperforming ministers, the most memorable being former (and yet now current, again) Agriculture Minister Honourable Joseph Made, who went up in a plane to assess the situation “on thee ground” with regards to farming preparations countrywide. The Honourable minister declared that we would have our most productive agricultural season since Independence. He even went so far as to predict a bumber harvest, whatever that is. As it turns out, he was slightly off the mark – Zimbabwe recorded its worst harvest since Independence. So much for assessing what’s happening “on thee ground”.
Sovereignty: notwithstanding that no one in this country seems to know how to correctly pronounce this word, those that use it have totally lost touch with its definition. If there was a Zimbabwean dictionary, it would define this word thus: “SOVEREIGNTY (sov-re-ne-ty): the world records we currently hold in inflation, unemployment, poverty, and preventable deaths. These gains of independence must be defended resolutely, with blood and tears if necessary, from the imperialist colonialist masters.”
Of which: as in, “They want us to pay $2 for sugar, of which in South Africa it only costs $1.” Huh? Shoot me already.
Forget and smile: as in, “If Brown thinks he can come and take over now that we’ve invited the MDC into government, he can forget and smile.” I don’t know where this phrase originated from, but in my opinion saying it should carry a heavy prison sentence. People who use this phrase should be locked up in the basement of Chikurubi Maximum Security Prison so the rest of us can forget and smile.
Overspeeding: if you are driving at 70km/h in a 60km/h you are speeding. If you are driving 120km/h in a 60km/h, you are…overspeeding? Yes. Only in Zimbabwe.
Hail: Lately people and countries across the world have taken to hailing Zimbabwe and events in Zimbabwe an awful lot, according to The Herald. Here’s a sampling of a few of the headlines I have seen in The Herald recently: “SADC hails inclusive govt.”; “Liberalisation of economy hailed”; “Teachers hail vouchers”; “Argentina hails Zimbabweans”; “China hails Zimbabwean solidarity”. And these were all in a single issue of The Herald! Should these journalists be put in front of a firing squad or what? A cursory glance in a thesaurus reveals there are at least 11 other words that mean the same as hail. Surely if they wake up the Herald editor he can look through his copy and pick an alternative word.
Detractor: Please raise your hand if you are Zimbabwean and can give me a definition of the word “detractor” in 20 seconds or less without using a dictionary. Now raise your hand if you are a Zimbabwean and can say a sentence using the word “detractor” in 20 seconds or less without using a brain. Do you see a problem here?
GNU: Where did people, including the press and our supposedly educated political commentators, get this idea that we have a Government of National Unity in Zimbabwe? A GNU is an arrangement where feuding political parties decide to merge and govern as a single entity. An example of this is when PF-ZAPU merged with ZANU in 1989 to form ZANU-PF. PF-ZAPU at that time ceased to exist as a political party. Now, both MDC formations have been screaming from the mountain-tops about their independence from ZANU-PF. Prime Minister Tsvangirai has said, and I quote, “…this is a transitional arrangement. No one is joining anyone…” I would also tell you what Deputy Prime Minister Arthur Mutambara said about the arrangement, but I was so distracted by the impressive shape and contours of his head that I lost concentration while he was speaking. Besides, no one except fellow robotics professors understands what the hell he is talking about most of the time. Anyway people, pay attention because I will only say this once: what we have in Zimbabwe is an inclusive government. Don’t talk to me about a GNU again, I will walk away. I know it’s rude to walk away while someone is talking, but it’s also rude to be stupid while someone is listening. This is why I generally prefer to have tea with robotics professors.
Please join me in starting a petition requesting that all journalists employed by the Herald and ZTV News as of 28 February 2009 be put in front of a firing squad and executed. Only then can national healing begin, at least for me.

zakeozim@gmail.com