The Truth Shall Set Me Free, or Kill Me

Ok, let me start by being perfectly honest. I am an angry man. I am seething mad. I have to tell the truth, and maybe it shall set me free. So many things make me mad, I'm starting to think I have a problem. I would visit a psychiatrist, but everyone knows there are no such things in Zimbabwe. If you meet anyone claiming to be a psychiatrist in Zimbabwe, you should slap them quickly with the back of your hand and walk away. People who lie make me so mad.

I don't know if simply being mad is a good enough reason to start a blog, but amongst the other myriads of senseless web pages floating around in cyberspace, this will surely be one of the less senseless ones. In any case, my blog isn't really written for you to enjoy; it's more of a catharsis for me, because if I do not release these feelings of anger welling within me, I fear I may commit homicide or suicide, or both, in that order (of course). Anger can make you lose your mind, I tell you. I guess that’s why the word mad can mean variably “seized with great anger” or “insane”. I’ll tell you a secret about me that everyone else knows, if I’m not one of these two things at any given moment, I’m definitely the other. Although I oscillate wildly between the two variants of this word, the great thing is that your response in dealing with me should always be the same: caution. Of the 300 or so people I currently employ, there is not yet one who does not know to exercise extreme caution in my presence. So whenever I am around, people rarely smile and they speak in low tones, as if there is a tiger in the room waiting to pounce on their poor, sun-baked unwashed backs. It’s a great feeling to be an executive in Zimbabwe, sometimes.

Anyway, I digress. You will notice that I often digress from whatever topic I have chosen to discuss, but since it’s my blog I can do what I like. The point I was making earlier was that this blog is utterly pointless, and generally should not be read by people. If you don’t like it don’t post comments saying so, that will make me very mad. In fact, while I’m on the subject, here are the terms and conditions of my blog. Your continued reading expressly implies acceptance of these terms and conditions.

1. You are not permitted to post comments saying you do not like anything I have written. I am a highly educated and respected executive, and it is very unlikely that anything I write will not be to your taste. If it is, you should silently admit that your taste is wrong, and that someone of my intellect cannot possibly be mistaken.
2. This is not a politically correct blog. It is not racially, religiously or sexually correct, and at times it is not even grammatically correct. If you like your things correct, please visit my other website, www.nationalgeographic.com. Alternatively, you could start your own blog.
3. If you like my blog, I am saving you the bother of posting comments to that effect. I know us Zimbabweans generally use the hunt-and-peck two-finger method of typing, which, besides taking up a lot of time, can result in severe carpal tunnel syndrome. Instead, you are to simply wire a donation to my account in the Cayman Islands using these details:
Account Name: Zakeo
Bank: National Bank of Cayman Islands
Account #: 0912023011
Swift Code: M-BROK
These funds will be used to assist the needy, wherever they may be found in the world or in my house, whichever comes soonest. Please note that to lessen the burden on you, this money does not need to be free funds. The needy will take cash from any source, whether it was legitimately acquired through legal business dealings, embezzled from government parastatals, or donated by unsuspecting depositors in the financial institution you run.

Please do not make me madder by failing to adhere to these rules. I have enough on my plate without having to be corrected by you, even though I am sure you have many acquaintances who like to hear and agree with your opinions. I have so many of my own opinions that it’s generally too taxing for me to consider other people’s. At times, I don’t even agree with some of my own opinions.

But enough about you. In my next post I will tell you a little bit about myself and why I’m so mad.

Thanks for reading, but really, I advise you to find something better to do. If you can’t find anything, you are better off reading a book. So go find a book.

zakeozim@gmail.com