Zimbabweans Are Trying to Kill Me

There have been no updates to my blog for a while now because, well, I've had better things to do. It's been a hectic two weeks, with no time to even go for an after-work whiskey. How is an executive meant to survive the trials and tribulations of running an organization in Zimbabwe without the help of the Chivas Brothers? The situation is becoming untenable (saw this phrase in The Herald today, hope it fits in this context as the journalists at The Herald mash it in anywhere). If I don't rendezvous with Johnny Walker, Jim Bean, or Jack Daniel soon, someone is going to catch a hot one. Don't know what that is? Here's an example of how to find out:

So I'm talking to my driver yesterday, and I suddenly realize this guy is trying to aggravate me to death. He keeps referring to people I know by weird shortcuts of their names, shortcuts which in reality are not actually shortcuts at all. So everytime he says a name, I have to spend thirty seconds decrypting it, by which time I have lost the gist of the conversation. No matter, since I got far more than my fair share of gray cells at the brain auction, I trot along his train of thought and catch up to where he is in his conversation. Just as I begin to nod in understanding, he throws in another not-a-shortcut and loses me for another thirty seconds. After the third time I decided I had had enough and suspended him for seven days pending a disciplinary hearing.

Can we Zimbabweans not admit that sometimes it's simply not necessary to shorten certain names? Can we not admit that sometimes it's even counterproductive? Below are my all-time most aggravating Zimbawean shortcuts - if you ever have the pleasure of meeting me do NOT say these shortcuts to these names in my presence, unless a powerful reverse roundhouse karate kick to your temple sounds like a nice surprise:

Gift – Givhi (some genius decided to take a name with one syllable and shorten it by converting it to two syllables in it while Shonarizing the pronunciation.)

Gideon – Gidza

Derek – Dhedza

David – Dhivha

Farai – Fatso

Steven – Stivho

Tendai – Tindo

Lloyd/Lorraine – Lodza

Lovemore – Ravhu (evil as it may seem to torture your child with a name as imbecilic as this, some parents are so diabolical as to put a little turd icing on the dung cake by referring to their children as Ravhu. I hope there is a special place reserved in hell for these people.)

Warren –Wasu (if my parents had named me Warren and some idiot called me Wasu, I would be in jail serving a life sentence for multiple aggravated assault with intent to cause serious bodily harm and/or death.)

Gertrude – Getty

Melody - Mello

Nigel – Nigga (it’s only a matter of time)

Let's all unite against stupid nicknames and retarded shortcuts to perfectly good first names. We can start a petition and send it to the Deputy Prime Minister...although he will be permitted to come up with a shortened version of his name because half of Parliament is usually asleep by the time the Clerk finishes introducing him as "The Deputy Prime Minister of the Republic of Zimbabwe, the Honorable Doctor Arthur Guseni Oliver Mutambara." In this particular instance, it would be quite acceptable to simply say "Here comes Adza." Don't you agree? I do.

zakeozim@gmail.com