My Solution to Save the Inclusive Government

For those of you keeping abreast of the goings-on in Zimbabwe, you will be aware that President Mugabe's refusal to remove RBZ Governor Gideon Gono and Attorney General Johannes Tomana from their position is putting a tremendous strain on the inclusive government. I believe a major problem is that no one has come forward and applied for these positions, so for the sake of my nation, I have written the following letter to the Minister of Finance requesting that I be considered for the position:




Honorable Tendai Laxton Biti
Minister of Finance
Ministry of Finance
Harare

14 June, 2009


Dear Sir,

RE: Application for Post of Governor, Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe

By way of this letter, I hereby apply for the post of the Governor of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe. I am fully aware that technically there is not yet a vacancy for this position, but my submission of this application letter is a resounding vote of confidence in your ability to overcome the misgivings of He Whose Name We Dare Not Speak (I’m sure you know of whom I speak, but just in case there is another Whose Name We Dare Not Speak, the one I am currently referring to was born circa 67 B.C.E., looks and walks like a fossil, and wears spectacles so thick if he squints his eyes he can see into the future.)

I feel I am highly qualified for this position, especially now that our country trades in US dollars and South African Rands. First of all, I was educated in America and lived there for over 5 years. That alone makes me something of an expert on the US dollar. I must admit I could not have dreamed of taking up this post 10 months ago because truth be told I do not know my quadrillions from my quintillions. Now that we are dealing in currencies of sane people, with hundreds and thousands, I think my A in ZJC maths should stand me in good stead. I am so confident of this I would venture to say that given the current level of activity in our economy, a ham sandwich could probably run our Reserve Bank. I assure you, sir, that I am more intelligent than a ham sandwich, except on Friday nights when Johnnie Walker tramples all over my gray cells.

I have vast experience dealing with numbers in a business setting. What’s more, I have proven myself to be an imaginative and visionary entrepreneur, qualities I am certain you are looking for in a Reserve Bank governor. Case in point: A year ago, my brother and I were having a whiskey at the Keg and Sable, admiring the scenery, when we simultaneously noticed that we could see right through the skirt of the girl standing in front of us near the door. I mean, we could see the outline of her entire Netherlands, if you catch my drift. We were appalled, or at least would have been had it been 3 double-shots earlier. As it was I must admit we were mildly entertained.

In our subsequent discussion, it emerged that neither of us could name a single store in Harare that sold petticoats! Can you believe that? All these poor Zimbabwean women were walking around having their nether regions examined by drunk perverts because no one had the foresight to manufacture or import so bare a necessity as a petticoat! We immediately stopped drinking and dashed home to do a bit of research on the Internet, and in no time we had placed an order to China for a consignment of 10,000 petticoats of varying sizes and colours. We paid for it using funds we had externalized the previous year (please forgive me for this infringement upon the law, it was a temporary lapse in judgement, and it only happened a few times.) A week later our shipment arrived and we set about saving the dignity of our mothers and sisters throughout the country and across the political divide. In our first month we sold 2 petticoats, to our maid. Although that may not sound like much, it was an impressive start, and we would have done much more if the current RBZ governor had not jumped out of bed one morning and decided that the country would start trading in US dollars, of which very people had any at the time, according to our research.

Honorable Minister, as you can see, I am uniquely blessed with an unorthodox business mind, which is something every central bank governor should have. My first act as RBZ governor will be to ensure that Dr. Gono returns the Mercedes Benz S600 Brabus that he acquired a year ago using state funds. Yes, I know he says he didn’t buy one, but he should return it anyway because this new government needs to show restraint, and there is no point in buying me my own brand new Mercedes Benz Brabus when there is a perfectly good one available already.

Sir, my second act as RBZ governor will be to donate petticoats to all the women in your home area, to ensure that you are voted in for another term as MP when election time rolls around again, I have yet to do a stock-take, but I think we should have somewhere in the region of 9998 petticoats to distribute during your campaign. You can even take one or two for your wife, Honorable Minister, although I doubt anyone has ever been drunk enough to examine your wife’s Netherlands. Except of course yourself, sir, so consider yourself lucky.

Next, Honorable Minister, I will immediately re-introduce the Zimbabwe dollar. Our economy has never seen such boom times as it did during the heady days of rampant illicit forex deals, illegal mining activities, and overt insider trading on the Zimbabwe Stock Exchange. This will go a long way in lifting everyone’s sprits as the entire nation is currently in a state of shock and rapidly sinking into a psychological depression from which we may never recover. All civil servants will once again be allowed to resort to corruption, bribery, extortion, and any other nefarious activities they deem fit. In one fell swoop I will have lifted a huge burden off your shoulders because you will no longer need to worry about paying them that $100 a month allowance.

Lastly, I will accompany you around the world and assist you in all your begging activities. I will carry your suitcases and your begging bowl. I also wash underwear as one of my skills. I know we need something called balancing payments support and queues of credit, and I will definitely be an asset in our quest to secure these. I am tremendously gifted in the art of begging because my father never gave us pocket money when we were kids, and we survived 5354 break-times each by relying on the largesse of others. To boot, President Obama is also a personal friend of mine, so I could always put in a good word for our nation next time I speak to him. Well, let me not say next time as I’ve never actually spoken to him as such. He’s actually more of a pen pal than a friend, but I think he should fix the postal service in his country because his replies to my letters never seem to get to me.

I am sure you will agree that my credentials are impressive. I can begin immediately even though I am employed as C.E.O. of a medium enterprise - when my nation calls, I come running. I now eagerly await your positive response.

Yours Financially

Zakeo Zakeo