Come One, Come All...

So, here's an exciting development:

I have decided to migrate my blog to Facebook. Anyone wishing to continue reading my senseless rants and then being insulted at the end of it all, please feel free to search for me on Facebook.

Caveat Emptor: By requesting to be my Facebook friend you explicitly and implicitly agree to the following terms and conditions:

1. We are not really, actually friends. Because Facebook does not offer an option to accept someone as a pen-pal, an enemy, or even simply a subject of potential future ridicule, I must unfortunately accept you all as "friends".

2. Everyone will initially be accepted as my "friend". However, if you post a stupid comment, you will be summarily removed. What counts as a stupid comment? Anything that disagrees with anything I say or think. I am so intelligent that the thought that I have made an error in thought or writing should never cross your mind. If you really feel that I have made an error somewhere, go and lie down until the feeling passes. Whatever you do, do NOT mention it to me, because I don't care what you think.

3. If you are a woman, you agree that should I ever request it, you are ready, willing and able to lie down and allow me to have my way with you because not only am I severely blessed with super-galactic intelligence, I also possess literally deadly good looks. Just the other day I took a five minute walk in the CBD to a Nando's and caused a seven-car pile-up when women drivers lost concentration and rammed into each other and parked cars as they stared in disbelief at the flawless work of divine art that is me.

4. If you are a man, you agree that should I request it, you will immediately hand over to me your wife/girlfriend/sister (I will delete inappropriate based on my impeccable judgement upon seeing the candidates) so I can have my way with her, or them (depending). You also agree that if you are such a loser that you have no wife or girlfriend or sister that you will perform gardening services at my place of residence for an indefinite period, because I am such a man's man and you need all the help you can get. You also pledge to me your first-born son, because after a few days in my aura, women will mistake you for a non-loser and you might actually snag one of them.

5. You agree to be insulted by me no end should I flip open my laptop and realize I am in a head-cracking mood. This is usually the case everyday, although on some days my good friend Johnny comes over to soothe me.

If you do not agree with any of the above, do not send me a friend request. Go to the bookstore and find a good book to read, and don't bother me again.

See you soon!