The Death Penalty. For Sex.

I read an article in the Herald just the other day that I found rather bizarre. I could think of nothing else to do but share it with you. For once, just this one time, I am inviting opinions on a topic, primarily because my own opinion on it is not quite fully formed yet.

The article reported on a piece of legislation soon to be presented in the Ugandan Parliament that proposes a maximum sentence of DEATH for anyone convicted of engaging in gay sex. Yes, you read that right. They intend to hang all the gays in their country. As crazy as that sounds, it is still only a bill that is to be debated in their parliament. What I found unbelievable is that the law in Uganda ALREADY imposes a minimum sentence of life in prison for anyone convicted of gay sex. Yes, LIFE IN PRISON. As a MINIMUM. I don’t know about you, but I find that mildly preposterous.

At this juncture, I feel it necessary to make my own sexual orientations clear. Homosexuality is an extremely sensitive and controversial subject, but, as always, take my opinions for what they are as I do not and have never felt the need to be politically correct.

Firstly, I am a true, black-blooded African and Zimbabwean. You can already guess where this is going. I feel no need whatsoever to engage in any exercise that will stretch my sphincter muscle beyond its God-given limitations. Besides this, I find it strange that a man can look at another man and start to feel hot under the skin, yet feel nothing whatsoever watching Beyonce gyrating wildly, semi-nude, as she tends to do in almost every video nowadays.

Secondly, I am a Christian. As such, I condemn homosexuality because it is condemned in the Bible. I totally understand that not all individuals are Christians or bound by the Bible’s laws, which is fine by me. It is not for me to judge, for judgement belongs to God etc. The Bible clearly speaks of “men who lie with men” as being part of a group of people who will not inherit the Kingdom of God. If you don’t believe in the Bible then you obviously will feel no guilt or fear in engaging in homosexuality if you are inclined to do so. However, my issue comes when gays want to get married. I completely disagree with the idea of gay marriages, for the simple reason that marriage is an institution of God. A civil union is one thing, but if God condemns homosexuality, how can a Christian priest preside over a ceremony that joins two men in Holy matrimony? How can a church even CONSIDER having gay clergy – that is a most ridiculous notion! Why not take it a step further and allow into the clergy drunkards, polygamists, thieves, adulterers, and murderers?

That said, let me say that, unlike most Africans, and Zimbabweans in particular, I feel no need to mete out personal justice on gays. I am not homophobic by any stretch of imagination. Why? For the simple reason that the same Bible verse that condemns homosexuality also condemns adulterers, fornicators, thieves, and, of particular concern to me, drunkards. I more than occasionally enjoy a glass or six of my favourite whisky, putting me squarely in this same group of those who will not inherit God’s Kingdom. Therefore, all things considered, nothing gives me the right to sit on my high horse and pass judgment on those who choose to join the Butt Brigade.

This does not mean I don’t have a problem with gays. I don’t know if any readers of my blog are gay – if any are, perhaps they can explain something to me. While gays expect us to respect their right to choose their sexual orientation, they completely forget that the rest of us have rights too. A while ago, I went on a cruise ship trip to Mozambique. Unbeknownst to me, the cursed cruise company had booked a group from the Miss (or was it Mr.?) Gay South Africa pageant on the same ship. This may not have been a problem, except for the absolutely appalling behaviour of the group. Firstly, they were annoyingly arrogant. There were 100 or so of them on a cruise ship with 1500 people, but one would have thought it was a gay cruise the way they strutted around. Secondly, and the thing which irked me most about the whole incident, they walked around the ship damn near naked THE ENTIRE TIME.

The cruise was a family cruise, with many young children onboard, yet these guys acted as if they had a special instruction from the Chief Gay Leader to wear only their underwear regardless of the time of day, the location or the weather. When I say underwear, I don’t mean boxers. I mean briefs and Speedos that accentuated every nuance and curve of the male genitalia. So ok, fine, gays have rights. But do their rights supersede mine? The way they danced and pranced at the pool, Jesus. It was like watching a late night movie on E-TV on Friday night. Except gay. They slapped each other’s asses at the pool. They kissed at the ice cream bar. One of them even tied a cucumber around his waist and walked around with it dangling between his legs. Why would a grown man feel the need to do that? Many a child departed that cruise confused – it was 5 days of gay soft porn.

Thankfully, my son was not on this particular holiday. It was absolutely disgusting, not to mention disrespectful, for anyone, straight or gay, to have walked around like that where there were young kids around. I don’t think the behaviour of this particular group did anything whatsoever to advance the cause of gays in Africa. Several people I spoke to, both black and white, left with an extremely sour taste in their mouths. As is often said, freedom comes with responsibility. Surely, if gays want to be respected, they should also give respect. Which brings me to the central question of my post:

Just how much freedom should the world allow us? If gays contend that what happens between two consenting adults in private is no one else’s business, what happens if, for example, when next I visit my grandmother in the rural areas I am strangely taken by one of her more gracious-looking female goats? What if the goat, noticing that my lavish attention exceeds that of one who is regarding her solely for culinary purposes, proceeds to wiggle her goat-ass seductively in hopes of saving her own rump? What if, as I stand back admiring her shiny coat of fur as it glistens in the early evening sun, a certain soldier friend of mine begins to slowly salute her? Does full freedom not give me the right to take my she-goat off into the words, caress her horns, and with the wanton abandon that would necessarily have to permeate my psyche to engage in such an endeavor, proceed to have my way with her? Should I not be free to marry my she-goat and kiss her and slap her ass in front of you, your kids and your parents? After all, it’s my choice, right?

Am I wrong in equating homosexuality to bestiality? Perhaps. Your opinion is your own to form. To me they are the same – unnatural acts that will become more acceptable the more we accept them.

The ubiquity of the gays on our cruise ship led my friends and me into an interesting discussion. As much as we all condemned homosexuality, I asked a question, which I now pose to you: what would you do if your son approached you and told you he was gay? Would you disown him? How would you respond?

Most of my friends said they would disown him until he “stopped being gay”. But my follow-up question was: how can you disown your son for the sin of being gay if you yourself are an adulterer, an idolater, a drunkard, or a thief? Should you perhaps not take the plank out of your own eye before pointing out the straw in your child’s? How would God judge you for your decision to disown your child?

Does passing legislation instituting the death penalty for gay sex make sense? Will it solve the problem, if you think there is one? Without actually catching a man deep inside another man’s poop-chute, how on earth do you prove the existence of gay sex in a court of law? Is a limp wrist sufficient evidence that the individual must be engaging or must have engaged in gay sex at some point? What if it’s a tennis injury – will Ugandans continue to play tennis if they risk being hauled to jail and possibly hanged for having a poor backhand?

What of the issue of a gay gene? Is there actually such a thing? Why do you think someone would intentionally choose to lead such a traumatic lifestyle if they have a choice to be straight?

Another question that I raised, which I now pose to my male readers (female readers can wonder this about their boyfriends and husbands, or better yet ask them then post their response): how much would it take for, say, Will Smith (or any other male you think is lookable) to take a drive in your dirty tunnel if he were so inclined? What if he offered you USD$10 million. Cash. For just one round. Would you let him, knowing you would be made for life? What about $1m? Would you do it then? What if he promised you it would last only 5 minutes and he wouldn’t tell anyone? What if the offer was $100,000. Or $10,000? You can post your responses anonymously, so be honest, fellas. I think we all have a price, if we are to be honest. The lowest that came out of my group of friends was $10,000, negotiable. What’s your price?

I’m really curious to know your opinion. As you try your best to ignore the pigs soaring at a dangerously low altitude outside your home, share with me: What do you think of the gay conundrum?

P.S. Please note that my discussion of gays only includes gay men and 100% lesbian women. It does not cover bi-sexual chicks, who I think are hotter than a Kalahari Desert nymph in heat. Not only should being bi if you are a chick be legal, it should be encouraged. Bi chicks should get a higher tax-free threshold, subsidies on certain important household purchases (vibrators run quickly to mind), free education up to the undergraduate level, and an automatic end-of-year bonus if a straight male certifies that the bi chick has been especially supportive of any one of his many fantasies involving multiple women. I mean it hey.

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