Driving around in Harare has become a tremendously interesting exercise for me. Because I drive an SUV with black tinted windows, people struggle to see the driver. This forces them – usually women, I should mention, because it rarely ever happens with men - to stare intently into my car, without realizing what they are doing, as I drive by. Obviously these are single women hoping they’ve caught the driver’s eye, whoever he may be. The trouble is that, even without seeing the driver, the majority (if not all) of these women should know simply by comparing themselves with my car that I am totally out of their league, so the intent owl-stare is totally misplaced. To clarify: if you are a woman and you exhibit any of the characteristics listed below, you have no chance of being anywhere near my league:
1. If you are walking around holding an empty. There’s nothing wrong with drinking soft drinks, of course. But if, after finishing your soft drink, you need to walk back to the store to collect your $0.20 bottle deposit or whatever, it’s probably safe to say I can’t take you clubbing at Whiskey Mist next time I’m in London. I cannot possibly foresee how you will dress, or behave. So, either buy your soft drink and let your gardener have the deposit, or better yet get a can and a straw.
2. If you are wearing a bhrugwa. Why would you do that in this day and age? Look, I understand that for some women, at certain times of the month, a full on zadza-dama panty is what they have to wear. I don’t support it - unless we’re boarding an Air Zimbabwe plane and might need to share a parachute in case of an emergency - but during that time of the month I can at least understand it. The women I don’t understand are those that wear these panties everyday. It’s 2011, honestly, get it together! I’m tempted to start a Thong Drive to collect thongs for those women who either can’t afford them or don’t know what they are. No matter how beautiful you are, a parachute panty is going to put me off 10 times out of 10. I know it boggles the mind that thongs have far less fabric than a full panty yet cost twice as much, but don’t question it – just buy them and wear them.
3. If you are over 18 and under 50 and use sanitary pads. I don’t care what anyone says, pads are fucking nasty. Use a tampon for chrissake. That way you won’t have to wear a bhrugwa, and we don’t have to visualize all that blood actually leaving your body.
4. If you drink beer, especially from a bottle. I know people have vastly differing opinions on this, but since this is my blog, only my opinion counts. If you’re in a club, be a lady and order a cider and drink it from a glass. Or order a cocktail. A wine even, sparkling or otherwise. Just don’t order a Lion Lager or Carling Black Label. Goodness, if I walk up to you, what on earth will I say? Beer was made by men for men, because it used to be the one thing we could safely enjoy without feminist bitches trying to copy, because quite honestly, it tastes nasty, and we didn’t enjoy it much in the early days either. But alas, it seems we can’t even enjoy shit we don’t enjoy alone and in peace anymore. You want the right to also not enjoy it. Now I have to wait for you to finish taking the swig from your bottle of Eagle Lager, watch you bypass your beer belly and thud the bottle back onto the table, and then burp out biological-weapon grade gases into my face before I can point out that that is the prettiest pair of shoes I’ve seen all night in this club, are they Prada? and by the way, my name’s Zak. Alternatively I’ll just go to the bathroom and lick the bristles of one of the toilet brushes for the rest of the night instead.
I could go on and on, but fuck it. It’s Friday, I’m ditching this shit. Please, stop staring into my car!