Friday, July 15, 2011

A Real Lady Doesn't Wear a Bhrugwa

Driving around in Harare has become a tremendously interesting exercise for me. Because I drive an SUV with black tinted windows, people struggle to see the driver. This forces them – usually women, I should mention, because it rarely ever happens with men - to stare intently into my car, without realizing what they are doing, as I drive by. Obviously these are single women hoping they’ve caught the driver’s eye, whoever he may be. The trouble is that, even without seeing the driver, the majority (if not all) of these women should know simply by comparing themselves with my car that I am totally out of their league, so the intent owl-stare is totally misplaced. To clarify: if you are a woman and you exhibit any of the characteristics listed below, you have no chance of being anywhere near my league:

1. If you are walking around holding an empty. There’s nothing wrong with drinking soft drinks, of course. But if, after finishing your soft drink, you need to walk back to the store to collect your $0.20 bottle deposit or whatever, it’s probably safe to say I can’t take you clubbing at Whiskey Mist next time I’m in London. I cannot possibly foresee how you will dress, or behave. So, either buy your soft drink and let your gardener have the deposit, or better yet get a can and a straw.

2. If you are wearing a bhrugwa. Why would you do that in this day and age? Look, I understand that for some women, at certain times of the month, a full on zadza-dama panty is what they have to wear. I don’t support it - unless we’re boarding an Air Zimbabwe plane and might need to share a parachute in case of an emergency - but during that time of the month I can at least understand it. The women I don’t understand are those that wear these panties everyday. It’s 2011, honestly, get it together! I’m tempted to start a Thong Drive to collect thongs for those women who either can’t afford them or don’t know what they are. No matter how beautiful you are, a parachute panty is going to put me off 10 times out of 10. I know it boggles the mind that thongs have far less fabric than a full panty yet cost twice as much, but don’t question it – just buy them and wear them.

3. If you are over 18 and under 50 and use sanitary pads. I don’t care what anyone says, pads are fucking nasty. Use a tampon for chrissake. That way you won’t have to wear a bhrugwa, and we don’t have to visualize all that blood actually leaving your body.

4. If you drink beer, especially from a bottle. I know people have vastly differing opinions on this, but since this is my blog, only my opinion counts. If you’re in a club, be a lady and order a cider and drink it from a glass. Or order a cocktail. A wine even, sparkling or otherwise. Just don’t order a Lion Lager or Carling Black Label. Goodness, if I walk up to you, what on earth will I say? Beer was made by men for men, because it used to be the one thing we could safely enjoy without feminist bitches trying to copy, because quite honestly, it tastes nasty, and we didn’t enjoy it much in the early days either. But alas, it seems we can’t even enjoy shit we don’t enjoy alone and in peace anymore. You want the right to also not enjoy it. Now I have to wait for you to finish taking the swig from your bottle of Eagle Lager, watch you bypass your beer belly and thud the bottle back onto the table, and then burp out biological-weapon grade gases into my face before I can point out that that is the prettiest pair of shoes I’ve seen all night in this club, are they Prada? and by the way, my name’s Zak. Alternatively I’ll just go to the bathroom and lick the bristles of one of the toilet brushes for the rest of the night instead.

I could go on and on, but fuck it. It’s Friday, I’m ditching this shit. Please, stop staring into my car!

www.zim-madness.blogspot.com

zakeozim@gmail.com

19 comments:

  1. Hahaha, LOL!! Funny post, and funny blog as a whole. Keep it up, your view of the world is entertaining as much as unapologetically honest. Keep the posts coming.

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  2. Agreed...I am a female and agree 100%. We call them VPL (Visible Panty Lines-BIG NO).Stumbled across your blog today and you have some refreshingly funny ways of describing things that are so true. Thumbs up..keep at it.

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  3. VPL, lol. Will give you guys my account number so you can support the cause. As nice as your compliments are they don't take them at the supermarket in exchange for whiskey, unfortunately. And without a good single malt whiskey with a couple of ice cubes there's really no point to life.

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  4. Hahahahahaha!!!Cracking up at the empty one!!
    I do agree that women do need to get NVPL (non visible panty line)underwear - its only fair!! Funny post!

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  5. 5. If your 'hair' is part purple, red, orange or some other part of the spectrum of rainbow colours.

    Seriously... a lot of y'all weaves fall into 1 of 2 categories: Protective Headgear or Live Rodents. I CANNOT comprehend what possesses you women to mount (coz literally thats what you do) those things on your heads. I'm pretty sure some person with a sick sense of humour started this trend. Our black women are given waaaay too much liberty with their hair. There are probably only 2 or 3 types of weave that are acceptable.

    Not the shit you're wearing... I mean say I actually drink enough vodka to be able tolerate your nasty ass; and say the size of your ass persuades me that you might be a nice shag (with a Spar plastic bag over your head)... the one thing that will always stops me dead in my tracks (no matter how inebrieted), is: what the fuck do you look like WITHOUT that hideous headgear?! What the fuck am I going to wake up next to?! Must be something really naaasty if you actually think you look BETTER with that thing on.

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  6. okay obviously class matters so i wont argue with the coke bottle deposit thingy, the bhurugwa well , depending on the material used its actually healthier for the womans privates to wear full-ish panties rather than thongs especially if they are cotton, however there are seamless undies ladies use them and noone has to view your panty line its horrid to say the least and do not wear thongs to sleep as you toss and turn your thong rides up and down and gets bacteria from your anus to your vagina (the health part comes in here) there are many alternatives to bhurugwa ...sanitary pads(theres health concerns here too, tampons as discrete as they are have negative sides to them too, they cause toxic shock syndrome, they keep bacteria in, they do not allow the blood to flow out completely hence the better option is pads, use the very slim ones ladies its not nice to see a bulge on your butt from those thick pads okay!!!, as for beer bottle i totally agree its a huge no no if i was guy it would be a deal breaker seriously

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  7. Where did you learn to write? Genius School?

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  8. I enjoyed reading your post, its my first time visiting your blog, quite interesting I should say. I feel you could have said more but you only managed to put in 4 points, which was rather disappointing. And on sanitary pads, its about what a woman feels comfortable using, its not about you as a man, this shows me you have very little knowledge of the female species

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  9. LOLINGTON- Thats all i can say

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  10. So I take it your own mother wasn't a real lady then?

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  11. Real funny stuff u got there.....keep it up!

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  12. Utori muche muche mwana wamudhera. yuo are loud and clear

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  13. Crankygeek, complete the post, lol! Who's Anonymous who said something about my mama? My mama wore thongs and drank Moet when she was growing up. In fact, my great grandfather also wore thongs, but I wouldn't really recommend them for guys these days, I think they're out of fashion.

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  14. Thanks for your excellent post, which is really very much surprising to make a look into it.

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  15. how shallow is a person who defines people by what they drink? i am a woman who drinks beer and who prefers to drink it from the bottle. (Did you ever consider that maybe because that's how the brewer intended their product to be drunk for the best enjoyment of the consumer?)

    Your views cause Zimbabwean women to act FAKE, virginal and not show you their true personalities. the thing i love about men like you is how you all start calling me to complain about how your wife of 3 years "isn't" the woman you married. how when she was your girlfriend she always wore a thong and had her hair and finger nails done, and never drank beer from a bottle etc, now shes a totally different person.

    men are asking to be lied to when they express views like this!

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  16. Good post, the last Anonymous post was written by a crazy Bitch is all i will say

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  17. This is all true. I beg to differ a little on the other one, what if the person is poor or is keeping the bottle for recycling? Are you saying poor girls should not get some love?

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  18. Or on the Bhrugwa thing, sometimes less is more,google a lacy pantie called the "Tanga"

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  19. After reading the hilarious post on crazy nicknames( even if i didn't totally agree with what was said in it), i find this post very disappointing. really? people must pretend to be rich now and dump empty bottles because you might see them from behind your tinted car windows and demean them? i'm a man but i know for sure my wife wears underwear - all kinds too. I think the first rule for artists of all kinds should be sensitivity. Are you sensitive to class differences, dear blogger? Sorry, but I can't return to this blog lest I leave with a heavy heart.

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