Tuesday, February 7, 2012

"Why Did You Let Zakeo Die?"


That was the question posed by an upset fan last year when I had gone three months without updating my blog. I had received countless other emails prior to this one, all condemning my laziness and lack of commitment to the cause, which cause I do not know. Because this particular fan is very intelligent and polite, albeit exasperatingly long-winded and prone to digression like the wind is prone to blowing, I decided to honor her with a reply. I now post my reply here because I am indeed lazy and not at all likely to reply everyone who wrote to me about this. So if you wrote me, this is your carbon copy reply. Read it, ignore anything you don't understand and shut up. With a little concentration you will have gotten the gist of it by the end. 

"Dear E.

I know there is possibly no excuse you will accept for me taking so long to reply your mail. But I have to try. What had happened was, when I sat down to reply you, on the very day you had written me, my keyboard switched off because my car battery went dead due to the cats and dogs and hamsters and gherkins it was raining outside. (Wait...is a gherkin a pet?). This totally threw me off, but I was determined to write you so I tried to use my mouse, cutting and pasting individual letters from websites in my history to make words, but by the time I finished the first sentence I had turned 71 and forgotten my train of thought. Maybe it’s the arthritis setting in because I keep forgetting everything these days and getting lost on my way back from the toilet. The viagra doesn't help at all, I think we need some kind of Truth in Advertising Commission in Zimbabwe because they told me it would improve blood flow to key organs in my body, and I don't know what’s more key than your damn brain, and at my age it feels like hardly any blood ever goes there at all, pills or no pills.

Thanks for the mail, gosh. It's like getting a gift from a thoughtful lover, before you even open it you know she's visited the spanking new iStore in Sandton or the HP Experience Store in Eastgate and gotten you, well me, the 64GB 3G iPad or the new HP high definition 21 inch monitor, and not the Limited Edition 5-season pack of the Sex and the City DVDs. 

In reply to your mail, however, I think your comment about baby seals was extremely insensitive. Who clubs baby seals in this day and age? That is inhumane, and I'm not afraid to tell you that I was shocked. Everyone knows that the correct way to slay a baby seal is using a current - a quick electric shock conducted by a rod inserted in the ear. The seal doesn't feel a thing, as far as anyone can tell, and an additional benefit is that there is no scarring, which is unsightly on your plate. Next time, try your seal marinated in Mediterranean lemon and herb sauce, served with a dollop of garlic-mashed potatoes, a few caramelized onion rings, and a sprinkling of basil leaves for garnishing. Just please make sure the seal has been caught and slaughtered humanely. Do not ever, I mean ever, order the Baby Seal Club Sandwich, I will never speak to you again, much less invite you onto my yacht.

Zakeo is not dead. He got tired of being a super-hero, and, like the Brad Pitt character in Mega-Mind, faked his own death so he could live in unshaven bliss somewhere far far away. But now the nights have grown colder, the criminals bolder, and the nay-sayers...um...older. (damnit, couldn't think of anything else that rhymes.) I do believe it's time for him to make a return. I must warn you though, he is bigger and better, if at all that is possible. Can you handle it? He is even more suave, more sophisticated, with beauty that makes flowers swoon every time he walks through a meadow. (Granted, there isn’t that many meadows in Harare anymore, probably due to inflation or sanctions or something, but trust me, the flowers in the one meadow I know of swoon every time my name is mentioned.)

What's that saying about the rarity of a thing increasing its value? The calls for Zakeo to return are really getting louder, and I promise you he will post something soon. Badat emptor! (That means Bad guys beware! by the way). (Ok, I just made that up, but so did the guy who came up with caveat emptor and he got away with it.)

Patience is a virtue, so please stop bitching and be patient.

Warm regards,

Z."

5 comments:

  1. Welcome back, Zakeo. Finally. When you don't update your blog, entertainment bridhaaa!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. May a musical plea to Zakeo from cute (not!) melodious (not) kids would bring the legend back sooner:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmH6lz4gcAU

    ok.. that's just bad singing.. maybe a more melodious raucous:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8o1yjYKYPk&feature=related

    now aren't I glad i didn't write a comeback letter...

    i hope the bad singing from those kids really tugs at your heart strings
    TINTIN

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aargh TinTin! WTF?? I want that 6 minutes of my life back! I will post something in the next few days, just please, for heavens sake don't send me anymore videos of tone-deaf little brats singing tuneless songs off-key. And whose little bastard is that who joined the performance halfway through the damn thing?? His parents should hang themselves while he's watching to teach him a lesson in decorum, and to give us the comfort of knowing that they won't be able to produce any more mini-morons like him. Jesus.

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    Replies
    1. lmao!!
      now those few days really better be few.. this time I have a live brood of rabid human offspring ready to belt out what used to be tuneful tunes, baroque style... oh wait! even better.. i'll get the 6-min wasting brats to appear in person for a performance in thy honour..
      now.. get scribbling!!!

      Delete
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